Let me start out by saying... I'm fed up with penises and the things attached to them we refer to as boys. All the fairy tales and Disney movies paint this perfect picture of Prince Charming and living happily ever after. Gag me. Kissing frogs gets you no where. You wind up bitter and heartbroken and not being able to trust a single human that pees standing up. For a girl like me, the Y chromosome is the root of all evil. I'm the kind of girl that falls for any human with a dick and that tells me I'm pretty. Falling in and out of "love" is not supposed to be that easy. Maybe the falling in part is, but the falling out, not so much. True love, if it even exists, comes along once in a lifetime. I think I'm just afraid of passing up the real deal so I date every guy I know to make sure it's not him. Ridiculous. I know.
For weeks I've been praying for strength, wisdom, guidance, peace, and patience. And then I automatically think I have all the answers. A great friend of mine had an incredibly rare moment of good advice after I spoke with him about this. He said, "Quit talking to God and start listening instead." Sounds easy. But it's easier said than done. With the majority of the people around me I am patient and understanding, but when it comes to dealing with my own life, I want results right then.
I've noticed what might be the root of all of my problems. I don't live in reality. Ever since my father left when I was a kid, I haven't lived in the real world. I've done whatever I can to make everything okay with everyone around me. I live in a fantasy world where it's possible for me to be a princess and make everyone else happy. And to be honest, it's destroying me. I do everything I can to make losers and jerks happy and end up bitter and heartbroken. Over and over again.
I know. I know. "Just stop talking to them." Not as easy as it sounds. I'm easily persuaded and guilted into things. Not one of my better qualities. I really think I need time to focus on me. And that's not going to happen with anyone around. I need to be isolated and forced to think for myself and figure out who I am. Not who I've been pretending to be since I was 3.
I don't smile all the time. I act like everything is okay, but in reality, my world is crashing down around me. I don't want to be a teacher. I don't want to live with my parents. I want to get away. I want to live in a big city. I don't want to go to school. I want to spend my life living. Not spend my life living to grant other's every wish. I want to live for me. I want to act like a kid but balance out the kid and the adult in me. I want someone to give me guidance as to what to do, but I don't want to be told what to do. I want to have the chance to make my own mistakes without hiding anything from anyone. I don't want to worry about getting approval from anyone before doing something. I want to live my life without someone telling me no. I want to figure it out on my own. I don't want to be smothered by anyone. I want to live my life for me. I want to learn to make choices without other people affecting them. I want to learn to say no and stand up for my rights. I don't want to be forced or guilted into family vacations when I need to stay back and work.
I just want the freedom to be me. But before I gain it, please lock me away for a few weeks and let me figure out me. I'll need food and water. And padded walls. And a place to shower and pee. But besides that, I want no one or anything to distract me. I want to figure out me and live my life for myself. I'm done living my life the way others want me to. It's my turn to prove who Micah Wilson really is.
